Perhaps it's a sense of resignation. Perhaps i've finally learnt to trust that things will eventually turn out well, and it doesn't need me to hold on so tightly anymore. I feel myself releasing many insecurities and frustrations the past few days. Call it heck-care... but I think it's at least bringing me peace that has long eluded me.

It was touching to realise from Kai how important i was to hh's life, and how he held me in such high regard before - being so sure that we would be partners for life, wanting to show me off to his relatives..etc.
For a moment, i blamed myself so much for screwing things up. But then i realise i must first learn to combat my darkest fears before i can accept such a wonderful relationship from God. Will this relationship wait for me to mature and learn? I wish so, but i have no answers. Guess that's when i need faith to trudge on. Despite hearing no answers from God, but continuing to trust Him that He'll eventually reveal His will.. and it'll be perfect and loving. =)

Another excerpt from The Horse Whisperer:

"He had the choice to go on fighting life or to accept it."
"He had no choice."
"He did. It was hard as hell, but it could have gone on. Gone on making himself more and more unhappy. But what he chose to do instead was to go to the brink and look beyond. And he saw what was there and he chose to accept it."
.....
The darkest hour comes before the dawn.